Day 14 -- 9/22/19

The Homeless Chronicles

So it finally happened.  I have hit rock bottom.  Being homeless sucks.  Feeling like you have not future sucks.  Feeling like you have no talent sucks.  All of it just sucks.  When you feel just meh because you don't have much of a life because you either work too much or worry that you being around bring everyone down, it really is not a good way to feel, or live, for that matter.  I was yelled at lot at work today by the same manager.  Actually, the correct term for the day was "bullied," but that's neither here nor there.  The point is, that manager acting in the way she did, it did not help my current frame of mind.  I'm already fragile these days, and when I had a panic attack , that made me want to throw myself in front of a bus.  Yeah, it got that bad.  This is certainly not the only time I have had to deal with moods like this.  Oh, I have had issues in the past with sitches that have come up.  This is why I'm on meds for depression and anxiety.  I just have to say about all of it is that things were so much simpler when the burdens didn't seem so much.

Thankfully, like all bad things that have happened in my life, there is a silver lining to this dark cloud.  After having my panic attack, 2 of the other managers that were on duty helped me.  When I was allowed to go on break, one them got me a bottle of water and told me to sit outside to get fresh air.  I also had a cigarette, which I was able to bum off of that manager.  I am not going to name names, as I respect her privacy, but I just want to thank her from the bottom of my heart.  She made me feel like I do have some people in my life that care what happens to me.  That kind of encouragement always makes me feel better about myself, and that's always a plus.