Disappointments

So I did something really stupid. I made a decision to not smoke as many cigarettes. But I guess I am going about it the wrong way. I chose to start vain instead. Well, I made my husband angry about it when he saw it on the end of the couch last night. Needless to say, he has gotten angry, probably because I chose to hide it from him.

I have not had much luck with making good decisions. I tend to think with my heart, and I have gotten myself into trouble loads of times because of it. As result, I tend to piss people off. Sure, my life would be easier if I was more rational and logical. There are occasions where I can be rational and/or logical, but it's not easy.

I guess I'm also looking at my life, and realizing that I'm not doing any favors for myself. I guess I'm just jealous that the people in my life are doing better, and wishing I wasn't such a disappointment. Sure, I have a good job, and I am happily married for 5+ years to the love of my life, but I just thinking I'm missing something. My husband as of recently became an ordained minister with 2 honorary PhDs. It doesn't change the fact that he's still disabled. I am happy for him. I truly am. But I realize that I am still working a dead-end job. Not only that, but I failed in protecting my kids. I just feel like no matter what I do or try to do, I just can't get ahead because I have the tendency to ruin everything I touch.

But as they always say, if you have a problem with something, take steps to fix it. I'm currently working on getting my license back so I can see my children again. I'm also considering getting a prescription for the nicotine patch.

My ultimate goal is not to be a disappointment to anyone anymore. It's no fun being the black sheep if all you do is hurt the ones you love.