I Know I'm Mediocre

My sister didn't care about many things. She didn't want to listen to her older sister when she was told that she wasn't allowed to eat things. She didn't care that she was stealing her older sister's stuff, like her makeup. What would you expect? She was allowed to get away with things while her older sister got blamed for everything. If you haven't already guessed, I am the older sister. I would get yelled at for her constantly getting into trouble. "You're supposed to set an example." Well, I sort of did, in a way. My siblings went on to have great lives, because they didn't want to fall into the trap that I did. What not to do, so to speak.

Sadly, while they're having a grand old time with their lives, I struggle. I never really lived on my own. I was always under someone's thumb. I could have a chance now, considering the Hubbeast would allow me to try and better my life. But I'm at the point, I just can't. Too many things have caused me to be afraid to want better. I am just fine living a simple life, even though I hate my job; yes, as much as I like who I work for, there are days that I do hate my job. I missed out on so much, and now that I could try to get a degree, I have that fear that I won't be good at anything. I'm better at writing blog entries, because I just write what I feel without having to work too hard at it. I used to be able to write poetry. I thought I was pretty good. If I find that thumb drive, I might be able to publish it on the site. Yes, I'm ranting a bit. Okay, a lot. I am grateful that I actually graduated high school. I had to have a lot of help, and I was severely depressed at the time.

I guess the reason now for why I'm writing at this moment is I'm feeling sorry for myself. I want to be able to say that I'm proud of my accomplishments. I'm alive, sure, and I have a wonderful husband. I also can talk to my mother sometimes, when I'm not so busy with things. And yes, I have a job that I worked at for nearly 7 years. But I want something more. I want to say to my kids that I did something with my life. The Hubbeast is disabled, but he was able to become a Reverend, has a few doctorates hanging on the wall, and all that shit. But I feel like I'm just along for the ride. I want to feel like I'm adding something constructive to the situation. I'm not looking for pity. I swear I'm not. I am just looking for someone to hear me out and let me vent. I could be able to fix my problems if I knew a good place to start.

I guess you could say that I'm jealous. I have only been mediocre at best, and everyone in my family has done something that has brought them joy. I know I won't be able to own my house, as I have bad credit, and I don't make enough in my job to say I'm a success. I am not raising my kids, as my ex got final say on that, the fucker. I'm not a good aunt, as I'm terrible at connecting with my family and my nieces and nephew won't know me. I guess I suffer from FOMO and there is not much I can do about it.

I'm sorry if this was long and stupid. I can be at times, but I appreciate all of you for hearing me out. Thanks for reading. Much love, dearies.