If I Knew Then What I Know Now

There are so many times where I question what I would do differently if I knew what I know now. Well, I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with my now ex, either one. I wouldn't have let the Hubbeast leave for Tennessee without me. I would've spent more time with my grandparents. Things like that. I don't want to live with regret, hence the circumspection.

Sadly, I know that I can't change what happened in my life. I can't change the fact that I was told by my first husband that I wasn't good enough. He expected me to change everything about me that made me special. He expected me to be just like either his mother or his saintly grandmother. I couldn't cook like them, and I wasn't as religious as them. I was "scary" to his little sister, thanks to all the books I was reading during that time. They expected me to be a good wife. The funny thing about all this? He was a terrible husband.

I laugh bitterly about it now. If he actually wasn't such a man child and treated me like I mattered, I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with the asshole that destroyed me, and took my kids from me. That piece of shit saw that I was vulnerable and he took advantage of the situation. Yes, I'm angry. I have been angry about it for a long time. I would love to get some sweet revenge on my ex for all the shit he put me through. All the pain he caused me, all the times that he told me to kill myself when I was depressed. The times he took advantage of me sexually, where all I did was lay there like a cold fish while he did his "business." All the times he called me stupid, and the times he accused me of cheating when I was just trying to talk to my friends and/or my family. At this point, he might read all this and try to comment on my shit again. Fuck him!! I don't care.

Yes, I still have rage about those years. But it's also bitterness that he took the best parts of my heart and nearly destroyed me. I'm very much broken, and no matter what I've tried to do, I still don't feel whole, even after years of therapy. Duct tape and bubble gum are holding me together, and I'm all out of bubble gum, and the tape is not sticking as much anymore. Oh, there are days that I feel great about myself and how I'm "above the grass." But there are days like right now where the anger and the pain are just too much. Luckily, there's this blog. I am sorry for letting my anger get the better of me. But sometimes, I have to let it out, otherwise I will explode. Maybe I just did. I don't really know.

Thanks for letting me vent, dearies. Much love. And just to reiterate, FUCK YOU FERNANDO!!!

Small victories and fluffy bunnies